?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The · Real · Me


What I Keep Inside

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
So I realize it's been over a year since I've updated this thing but it wasn't really necessary for me to write anything until now. So much has happened and I feel like it's too much for one year, even though I'm sure it is very inconsequential to others.

During my senior year of high school, I thought everything was going to be amazing once I got out. I thought I would stay friends with all of the people I wanted to stay friends with, do marginally well in school, and everything would work out by the end of college. It's amazing how idealistic things can seem so possible until reality itself slaps you in the face. A year ago I could confidently say that I had at least four best friends I would carry with me through college and that I was completely sure it wouldn't be hard for me to be away from home in any way. I mean, I would be away from my parents and that meant no pressure to be so many different things all at once as well as freedom to be who I wanted that I had never had before. I even looked forward to being in a place where no one knew who I was, where people couldn't rely on fifteen years of mistakes to judge me with.

Now, as I rapidly approach the end of my freshman year of college, one of those four friends has cut off communications with me, I barely hear from another one, of the friends I've made in college the majority think I'm incompetent and a ditz, and there seems to be something tugging at my heart and soul to return home and never leave again.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Poor baby, everything is wrong and she's just going to run away back home. SUCK IT UP. On the contrary, however, I have no intention of transferring to be closer to home nor do I feel any real loss at the situation with my friends. Just blatant aggravation and, at times, anger.

The one friend who cut off communications with me, Jake, began doing so after I had to cancel my visit to his college at the beginning of 1st semester of college. It was just too hectic a weekend and frankly, although I didn't tell him this, I wasn't entirely comfortable spending the night in his frat house when I had never been there before. Then, right after I had heard nothing from him over winter break, I look on my facebook and he has de-friended me. He then apparently has gotten a new phone and never put my number in it so when I try and text him what was going on, he asked who I was and when he found out he never answered my question. Apparently, he had done the same thing to my other close friend a few months before and it was based on the fact that he thought we didn't try and talk with him enough. Please, I barely call my best friend more than once a week or once every two weeks. We're still as close as ever because we understand that college is not only about hanging onto past relationships but expanding new ones. I still haven't managed to get him to talk to me as of right now but I continue to request friendship once a month and add a personal note to the request to let him know I'm thinking of him.

And then comes my new friends at school. While I lucked out and got an amazing roommate, I didn't fair so well in my other friends. At least three of them pretend to know everything when in reality one of them can't think for himself and blindly mimics others while also managing to be extremely self centered, one of them has amazing recollection of facts and a great store of knowledge and yet manages to be socially-challenged and downright annoying and an asshole when you're forced to interact with him for more than an hour, and the third acts as their pseudo-leader and while he is admired by them for his "sexual experience" and apparent confidence, he still suffers from the other guy's insecurities and downfalls in personality in the same amount if not more so than the others. The one thing that really bothers me about all of them is that I let them talk down to me and disrespect me for so long as I had let people in high school do that I fear no matter how many times I get angry with them now, it will invariably come off as bitchy and I'll not be taken seriously. But all I can say is screw them because I guarantee I will live a happier and more fulfilled life than any of them.

Then comes the thing that's pulling me to be home. I admit, for the first semester, it wasn't hard at all to be away from home. And then during winter break, I was home for so long and frankly had such a relaxing time even though the entire break consisted of me helping out my tech director or working for my mom or laying around with friends at my high school. And I realized that as stupid and childish as it sounds, I know that I'm meant to live my life in Maryland. I know, I know, you're thinking that's impossible you can't know that, there are so many other factors that are going to happen to make me change my mind. And you might be right; I mean I've always detested those that stay in one place for their whole lives, who never see the world. But the thing is, I won't be like that. Yes, I might end up staying in the same place for the majority of my life but I'm well traveled and I intend to continue to explore and take vacations. By staying at a college that is a good ways away from Maryland I ensure that I gain the independence I want but I always have the easy option of going home whenever I want.

I had that epiphany about a month or two ago, which was around the time that Addams and I were talking on the phone and he was expressing his worry about how fast the end of college seemed to be coming at him. And he said, "It seems like the end when it's supposed to feel like the beginning." And while I absolutely know what he means, and will most likely use that line in a story I write one day, I also saw it apply to my own life in a different way. Now that I've had this realization, everything in between now and the end of college seems much simpler. I know where I'm going to end up, I have a general idea of what I will definitely be able to do, and I have a set place to live on my own already. Instead of going crazy over how my life is going to turn out, I already know how it will and instead of feeling depressed, it's almost a very relaxing feeling and in that way the "end" for me is actually going to be very rewarding.
Current Mood:
apathetic apathetic
Current Music:
Mashups by DJ Earworm
* * *
"You are so strangely calm sometimes and then you forget to breathe." Addams said this to me today and I can't think of anything that describes me better. It's true, I keep everything so bottled up while maintaining a certain facade that sometimes I grow extremely afraid that I forget who I really am. Because what have I been my whole life but what those around me wanted me to be. Some would say it's a good thing that I adapt so easily. I am immediately able to see how other people would prefer me to act and conform to that image so that I am instantly accepted, an extremely bad habit I developed after I was the outcast of the school for a few years. But after everything, I sometimes wonder where that fake me ends and the real me begins.

Anyway senior year hasn't been the dream I imagined. All it's been is stressful and Alice is probably the majority of my problems. I thought dating Devin would loosen her up but all it's made her is more snotty and annoying. It seems like all she's ever done is run away from her problems and she always finds some problem in her relationships. WIth Conner it was that he wanted to make out, Matt wanted "free stuff from her father", Charlie was a "jerk" because he wanted to maintain their relationship long distance, and now Devin is too "clingy" because he wants to actually talk through their problems. Conner and I brought it up with her the other day and all she did was get defensive, pretend to listen, and then drop the subject altogether. It seems like all we do with her is pretend issues aren't there. And then she went and told Bryan, the only person she can talk to these days, that Conner and I don't know what we're talking about and that it's none of our business.

Well that just means that my new policy is that if I'm not good enough to talk about her problems with her than we won't be discussing any of my problems in the future. Okay, now I'm tired but I'll write later. Night.
Current Mood:
pessimistic pessimistic
* * *
WOW. It as been such a long time since I updated this thing. I've just been ridiculously busy with the school and preparing for summer. I'm going to be so busy what with work and everything but I'm SO excited that Hillary is going to be living at my house even if she and I won't be able to spend a ton of time together. Is it mean that I love the fact that Hillary would rather be at my house then Sarah's? I think that on some small level, one of the reasons we've been friends for as long as we have been is because we aren't constantly together which means that we give each other enough space. But we still make time for each other and in that respect we grow closer because of the time we do spend together. I think Sarah tries to push her and Hillary's friendship to the point where Hillary just gets fed up, which is understandable because I've had friendships like that before.

I still don't know what I'm going to do when they leave in September. I didn't cry at graduation or even at Hillary's dinner but I ended up crying on the way home. I just began to think about what school and everyday life is going to be like when I couldn't wake up and even have the possibility of seeing them and I got this horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach and it just hurt so much that I ended up crying. I mean I know I'm overreacting because it's not like they're leaving for good but it just won't be the same when they do go to college, whether that college be two hours or seven hours away. All I know is that I need to make the most out of this summer .

Something odd did happen today that I just can't seem to stop coming back to and the fact that I can't get it out of my mind is really begin to anger and distress me. Addams and I had gone back to his house after we had gone to the mall to get my computer fixed because he had to get some movies of Caitee's that he has had for over two years. While we were there I insisted that I see his new kittens, which are RIDICULOUSLY adorable by the way, and from that came the talk about names and how his dad didn't like the name of one of his sister's cats and so he just called it "black cat". As I was laughing about this, Addams laughed and said, and I quote, "I know! It's like if we named our child Isabelle and my Dad didn't like it so he just called her "the girl". Yes, you read that correctly. He said OUR child. And let me mention that I can assume he was referring to a me and him thing because I have mentioned on several occasions that I love the name Isabelle for a girl's name. And the thing is I know that he was probably just looking for a quick example to make his point and that the implication was not meant as an implication but I still couldn't help but stop for a moment and consider the possible implications of that simple statement. And after he said it I could tell by the way he stopped laughing that he was either thinking about the same thing or regretting saying it at all, most likely the latter in my opinion.

But it doesn't matter because we were fine for the rest of the day and nothing became awkward and that's all I care about. So I can do nothing but sit back and watch the summer unfold and hope that their are a few good surprises in store. Until next time!
Current Mood:
optimistic optimistic
Current Music:
Can't Get You Out of My Head
* * *
Lately, I've been waiting for something to happen. It's like I'm moving from day to day with the same expectations for the present day as the day before. It's slowly starting to sink in that Hillary and Addams and everyone will be gone soon. I mean, we always used to talk about college but the fact that they've been accepted just hit home with me.
Hillary and I had a talk and I've decided to try and take a break from Addams. I asked him to Winter Formal and after wards it was like I had asked him out. It's like I had crossed an invisible line that I never should have. It has never, EVER been that awkward between us in our entire six years of friendship. Frankly, it scared me. I don't want him to leave for college and completely forget about me because he's afraid that if he shows to much interest then I'll take it the wrong way. I've pretty much been ignoring him the past few weeks but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't know what to do. All I want him to do is get mad at me and ask me why I'm doing it but that would imply that he actually cares.
He's been basically leaving me out when he's around Christina and Erin. Maybe it's because he knows he's going to be moving so far away and that he really hasn't spent a lot of time with them but still, I'm not invisible. I don't know, maybe I'm just being selfish.
URG! SAT Prep sucks BIG TIME! I hate it and although I am getting better at the math it's still tedious and evil.
And Mr. Weeks is going to be the end of me. I come up with two really great community action project ideas and he shoots me down. "You are a natural born leader and you can do so much better blah blah blah!" Just let me do the bloody project and get it over with! Well I'm tired and have been sick for a week so I'll write later.
Current Mood:
aggravated aggravated
* * *
Ninety miles outside Chicago
can't stop driving
I don't know why
so many questions
need an answer
two years later
you're still on my mind

Whatever happen to Amelia Earhart
who holds the stars up in the sky
is true love just once in a life time
did the captain of titanic cry

someday we'll know
if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue
someday we'll know
why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis
or what the wind says when she cries
I'm speeding by the place that i met you
for the ninety-seventh time... tonight

someday we'll know
if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue
someday we'll know
why I wasn't meant for you

someday we'll know
why Sampson loved Deliah
one day I'll go
dancing on the moon
someday you'll know
that I was the one for you
(yeah yeah yeah yeah)

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
if I could ask God just one question
why aren't you here with me... tonight

someday we'll know
if love can move a mountain
someday we'll know
why the sky is blue
someday we'll know
why I wasn't meant for you
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
* * *
* * *
Ok, as surprising as it might be, I think I am finally going to start using this thing as I should although I'm still not alerting anyone to the fact that it's actually here.

I've been dieing to actually begin writing and revising my story again but I found during the school year that the only times when I wrote my best was when I knew I wasn't supposed to be. Like during this particular class that was really a waste of time, I would sit and "take notes" but instead be writing out whichever part of the story I was interested in writing at that particular time. Same thing when I would stay home because I was "sick". Now, it's like I'll get all hyped up at work but then I'll get home and just not feel like it anymore. But recently, I went down to my grandmothers house and realized she had this really small dock out on the lake that her backyard overlooks. It's kind of nasty but I think I could fix it up and it would be perfect because I would know I wasn't supposed to be there. She's gone for ten months on a cruise so she won't be back until late October. I'm already really excited at the idea because I have so many ideas for new stories as well!

Besides that, I've been spending my time working and going out to the mall and shopping and to meals with Addams. I've actually been spending the night over at Hill's recently but she's never free during the day like I am. It's weird, I've begun to like Addams as more than a friend these days and realizing that I won't be totally devastated when nothing happens. It's actually a really empowering feeling knowing that I have begun to move away from him and depend on myself more.

My parents went away this past week and I was completely by myself and, to say the least, it was amazing. I realize now that I can't wait for college life. It's the best feeling to be able to do things without informing your parents of your every move and you'd be surprised at the small things you're able to do that make you ridiculously happy just knowing they would never let you do it of they were there. It was the first time that I was excited to leave all of my crap everywhere and know I didn't have to pick it up.

Well, I'm exhausted and that's not normal for me. Night

P.S. CHRISTINA CAN SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Mood:
bouncy bouncy
* * *
You know, I hate myself on days when I'm like this. Because all I do is sit around and read only the books with the really sappy love stories in them, always skipping to the actual cute parts until I come to the end where they all usually live happily ever after. And if they don't then it usually leaves the romance hanging for a sequel, which I'm also ok with because then I can imagine what it might be like before the next book comes out. So far I've gotten through Blood and Chocolate, Twilight, Ella Enchanted, Love Hina, and all of the books I have on the retold stories of Beauty and the Beast. Pretty pathetic, I know but I can't help myself.

Lately I've been so frustrated with all of my friends and all because of something as stupid as prom (I write the word with venom and a grimace). They've all come to me with random guy troubles, like Hill and Erin's date like each other and Erin likes her ex and Cristina likes everyone but her date and Sarah likes her date as a friend and blah blah blah. But in the end, as far as I know, they all have at least one guy who likes them back, which is more than I can say for me. I mean, they all usually come to me for help with guys and school and friends and stuff but lately, because its been completely about guys, I just want to yell at them, "DEAL WITH IT. AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOMEONE, if not the person you want, TO FALL BACK ON."

And then, I just read Hill's profile and she said she asked for a sign from God about whether she's doing the right thing in having a relationship with this guy and five minutes later she gets a text from him asking how her day was and how he really missed her. I think God is trying to spite me. When I asked for a sign from God about what I should do about my feelings for they guy I've liked for three years, five minutes later a movie comes on on the channel I was watching. It was My Best Friend's Wedding. Ya, if you've never seen the movie let me just tell you that this was not the sign I was looking for. Basically upon hearing her best friend in the entire world is getting married, the girl realizes she loves him and tries to sabotage the wedding. I watched it thinking, "Oh ya, she'll so win," and then she ends up letting him go so he could be happy with his bride and even gives the toast at their wedding, saying that she's happy. Let me just say that this kind of killed any hope I will ever have of getting with this guy, who, by the way, I'm still not over. Lucky me.

I just cannot understand what is so wrong with me. Like every guy in my grade is like, "Hey! What's up?" all friendly and nice but I've never gotten past that phase with any guy except my ex-boyfriend, who was one of the biggest mistakes ever. I mean I know I'm not the hottest thing in school, or even pretty for that matter, but I swear I am emanating some kind of guy-repellent because nothing I do seems to work. I really just need to get out of here and go to college where I can start over, seeing as no one in my school can move on from my past and see me as who I am today.
Current Mood:
lonely lonely
* * *
I swear, I don't think I've had a worse week in my entire life. Well, okay, that's completely over-reacting and very untrue but still, it feels that way right now. I mean most of my problems started anywhere from a month to two years ago and yet everything has seemed to hit me full force this past week and today I could just tell that none of my stress wouldn't be going anywhere anytime soon.

Okay so everything basically started to build up around a month ago when, out of the blue, one of my better guy friends, T.J., (I say better because I really only have one best guy friend) decided to completely ignore me. I found out later on that it was because me and two of my other friends, Kim and Crista, went to the mall one day and we were talking about his new relationship and how he was the reason all his previous ones had failed. Kim and I were more against T.J. while Crista, being the "loyal" friend stuck up for him and said we should stop talking about it because she didn't want to be a part of it. Well, of course, Crista went right back to T.J. and told him everything and so now he is mad at only me apparently, because he isn't giving Kim any weird treatment, for talking about his business behind his back. OH PLEASE!!!!!!!!! Like he never talked about me when I was going out with my ex-boyfriend Dan? Like he never talked about every one of Kim's boyfriends? Like he never talked about CRISTA and her love-interests? It pisses me off to a higher degree of anger that he is being such an asshole about this. And all I can do is walk around and see him every day and pretend like I don't give a damn because he wasn't important to me anyway. I actually said that to him too, not to him but to Alice when he was literally standing right next to her. I said it because she was trying to get him to tell her why he wasn't talking to me and he wouldn't answer because I was there and so, to shut her up I finally just said, "It doesn't matter, Alice. It's not like I've lost anything important." I swear, I said it with so much malice and yet so much disinterest at the same time that I almost believed myself for a moment.

But the truth is that I do care and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for actually caring if such a humongous prick ever talks to me again. God, I am so pathetic and yet I can't stop...just missing his presence. Missing the way I could just go up to him and talk to him if I was upset and he would actually seem to care. I even miss the way he would say, "Good Morning, Princess," every morning and even if it was a joke, I still miss it. But obviously I valued our friendship more than he did and that's the cold, hard truth.

And then, just to top everything off, I decided that I need to get over Addams, and like now because I know that if I don't then I'm going to ruin myself. I mean, again, I can't continue like this if nothing is ever going to happen. But I'm also afraid that if I distance myself too much then we won't be as good of friends anymore. But I don't want this crush to define the rest of my love life either. I am so afraid that I've become too dependent on him and that's why it hurts so much when we don't do things together. I mean what if I'm just fooling myself into thinking I like him because I desperately want to be wanted right now.

I've always had this need inside of me to have what everyone has in the books I'm constantly reading and that is to be loved and accepted and to have that person always with you that you can depend on for anything and everything no matter what. You know, each and every day, I lose a little more of that hope that any of that could actually be real.
Current Mood:
stressed stressed
Current Music:
Only One-Yellowcard
* * *
Lately, I have no idea what is wrong with me. I constantly feel like I put on a mask everyday to avoid all the questions that others will ask so that I don't actually have to answer them. The past weekend I got jealous over the most insane thing I have ever gotten jealous over in my life. Well the whole issue for like the past year and a half is that I REALLY like my best friend but I don't want to say anything because if he says he doesn't like me or we go out and then break up badly, I would die knowing we could never have the awsome friendship we have now ever again. I'd rather never say anything than risk that. I've known him for significantly less time than I have known some of my other good friends and yet I feel more close to him than anyone. If I ever am feeling really depressed or have a problem or even just want to do something on the weekend, he's always the first person I think of to call, no matter what. After five years, he was the first person I allowed to see me cry, something which I had forbidden myself do do after I allowed Peter and his friends to see me cry, to know I was vulnerable. And then this weekend he said that he and my other friend were going to see an R rated movie, something my mom still wont let me see. I didn't figure it out until after I found out they hadn't even gone why I had been so upset with the situation. And I realized it was because I was jealous that my friend was going to get to spend more time with him when I couldn't. And as soon as I realized that, I think I went into shock. I mean I can't allow this to go on, can I? I can't wait for something to happen when it might now ever. I found that lately I've begun to hate myself because this weekend I also didn't speak to him for the entirety of it, something that is very irregular. I guess I was trying to prove that he wasn't as important in my life as I had originally thought. Throughout the whole weekend, I don't think I weant more than a half hour without thinking about him. And I don't think I've ever hated myself more. Because it shouldn't be this hard to just go back to being his friend. I don't want to get to his wedding and be unhappy that I'm not the smiling girl that's standing next to him. I'm just really afraid that if I'm not over him by the time he finds someone to love that my already fractured heart might completely break and I don't know if I can even partially mend it in five years after that.
Current Mood:
aggravated aggravated
Current Music:
Too Far Gone
* * *
OK so I understand that I can go a bit overboard when I'm trying to be funny or flirty or whatever but I think I went too far this time and I'm so confused as to what I should do. I was trying to get my friend's brother to go to the store for us to get something for dinner and the only way I could see to get him to do it was to hold a sit down protest in his room. It was just me and him, both of us tring to annoy the other so they would just give up and it was fine for a while. But then he was like, "OK so if you won't leave on your own terms then I'll just have to do something disgusting in front of you." I thought he was going to do something stupid like fart on me or start making out with a picture but instead I watched as he pulled out a little sharp piece of metal from his wallet. Inside I froze. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I had known him since I was like four and I just never imagined that he of all people would do something like cut himself. On the outside I remained perfectly calm and even kept my smirk expertly in place as I watched him walk over to his bed so he could sit down and find a place to do it. I couldn't stand it. I finally just made up an excuse and said that he didnt win but I was just hungry. He looked so relieved and I knew he hadn't wanted to do it in front of me. But the fact that he would do it at all in private has scared me more than I'll ever admit. I'l admit that I have developed a tiny crush on him but then again its probably nothing. I just don't know what to do and if I should tell someone but then I don't want to because I feel that that would be betraying his trust. I'm just so confused and scared and worried all at the same time. I'm actually amazed that I haven't resorted to cutting yet.
Current Mood:
scared scared
Current Music:
In the End
* * *
* * *

Previous